Add Title? Which one do you choose for me?

Hey 2022!

I love the number 22, just has a cute little ring to it right?

This post has been in the slow cooker for a while (a full 8 months of flavour!). There will be some depth so please look away if uncomfortable conversations don’t work for you today.

Scaffolding– A structure on the outside whilst the main event has some work done. I’m pretty blown away this year in all honesty my scaffolding is so strong.

I inherited some fancy new titles this year, Single Mum, Divorcee, Crazy Woman. But I also inherited a house full of unconditional love, safety and strength. The last few years have thrown in some real lessons in life, loss and resilience.

 I lost friendships, and at first, they hurt like no other heartbreak before. I revisited the pain and transformed it , eventually knowing that each relationship had its place and by using gratitude and healing whilst remembering the good times and accepting the new chapter. We lost a lot of those we loved physically and as always that brought with it the concept of living in the moment and not taking it for granted.

The aftermath of some of these losses made me struggle and question my worth, and I was people-pleasing and trying to “buy” friendships in a desperate attempt to not lose them. I depleted my resources. I was losing my authenticity and my identity, I grew a pair; a few true friends gave me some tough love I dropped my guard and through just being me a flurry of wonderful souls came into my life and cared without conditions and lifted me. It has put me in awe the love that resonates around me, I may not be in a Disney fairy tale (but those have changed too). What you should know is this, I love without conditions or limits so if you are in my tribe I will cherish that, if I make a mistake I’m ready with my apology but I have confidence that I’ll be there when you need.

The quality of my people ,knocks on the door, feel more wholesome than ever before…. thank you.

The Big D-

Don’t worry it’s not a disease .You can’t catch my divorce.

I’m not the first and won’t be the last… to the silent whispers and the murmurs around town I know it’s hot gossip, but the coals will die down. I won’t please you with my version or my details as Chinese Whispers are not as lethal as Indian ones.

I appreciate your sympathy but please don’t grieve,

For the first time in my life my world is feeling lighter

 And the truth will leave my future brighter.

I do wonder why so many of the elder generation feel they can ask about the sex lives of an Indian married couple (in order to ascertain when they are having children) but cannot fight against generational abuse. The women before me have lived in silences and a dulling pain, the “shut up & put up” ethos that the generations of today will not tolerate. To those women, I honour you and see your sacrifice and I hope you find that peace within.

My lines were crossed, and decisions were made for the safety and wellbeing of the little one and I. As adults we make decisions and life choices, these are mine. I am spending my life focussing on the wellbeing of children and that starts with my own.

I’m surviving whilst thriving. I’m proud of that.

Piece by piece, I am growing as a person that I like; not for everyone else to like. Because every night after 7.15pm I’m just with me; and that Panisha needs to be looked after too.

Alone vs Loneliness

I used to feel very lonely even when others were around. A daily practice of gratitude and meditation over the last 4 years led me to realise and profoundly feel safe and comfortable in my time alone.

I sometimes wish I could mumble my random musings to someone in my home, and that makes me feel lonely in the moment. But I know I am not alone; I have a tremendous network of love from all corners of the world- and when I press down on a button, they are just a voice note away 😉

Whether you are in my life now or entered for a season, I appreciate your lesson. A massive hug goes out to my team – the Kings, The Queens and the scaffolding!

To Neo,

Resilient, brave, smart and kind.

I wasted time worrying when I forgot to see I’m living my dream.

You turn my world into gold and pearls, and for that I owe you the world.

This IS my Happily Ever After.

Love & Light

Panisha

1st January 2022

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